How To Not Lose Yourself In A Relationship

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Here’s Our Experience When It Comes To Not Losing Ourselves In A Relationship

When you are head over heels and in a committed relationship, it can sometime be hard to stay true to yourself. Over time, you can become so “as one” with your partner that you might start to lose parts of yourself that make you “you”.

Now, this happens a lot. Going from being a one-person team to two and having a partner-in-crime around is a big driver of this. That said, you don’t have to lose all of yourself – and you shouldn’t.

Based on our experience, we are still very much “us” but we have definitely adapted as we grow together. There are a few things we have thought about throughout our relationship that we don’t want to lose – and here are a few ways that we achieve that!

Know Yourself

Guy with backpack sitting on rock and staring into distance how to not lose yourself in a relationship
Knowing yourself is very important to not losing yourself…

In order to avoid losing yourself in a relationship, it is important that you know yourself. What is important to you? Which hobbies and food do you like? Do you care about animal welfare, the environment, etc. etc.?

These seem to be quite simple things but it is important that you have a good understanding of who you are as an individual. This makes it so much easier to realize if there are any points in your relationship where you might lose yourself.

If you don’t know what makes you “you” – what defines you – then it can be really difficult to distinguish whether you are doing something that you want to do or whether you are only doing something because your partner wants you to do it.

Before we got into a relationship, we had a lot of time to figure out what we like and what kind of individuals we are. Knowing what we are passionate about and what we like to do really also helped us make our overall relationship better. This is because we could both bring interesting things to the table.

It just so happened that we were passionate about lots of similar things such as photography, travel, snuggles, blogging/writing, and a few others.

Read Next: Challenges In An Intercultural Relationship 

Continue With Your Hobbies (Or Find New Ones)

Hands shaping clay on pottery wheel
Pottery seems like loads of fun!

When you are in a (new) relationship it can be very tempting to spend every possible minute together. We know – we’ve been there. However, it is also super important that you continue with your hobbies. Keep doing the things that you are passionate about.

Keeping your personal passions alive is a great way to stay connected to your true character. It’s also a great way to introduce your partner to new things, if they want!

For example, Bruce really likes beer, running, and lots of other things. Lisa likes trying new recipes, reading, and she also likes running. So, she shares what book she is currently into, Bruce lets her try his new beer, and they both go for runs (although lately we’ve been bad at it..). See? Sharing passions is great, but sometimes it’s also great to spend time alone.

Think About YOUR Future

Woman with blonde hair standing in clear water with mountains and forest in background
You do need to keep your needs in mind – it can be a balancing act.

We’re not saying that you should plan out your whole future without your partner. However, you should think about the goals you have and what you want to accomplish in the future.

Did you always want to live in a certain city? Or have you always wanted to go back to school to get a certain degree before meeting your partner? These plans shouldn’t change just because you are now in a relationship.

You might not be able to do live your future exactly like you had planned it out before, but also shouldn’t give up on everything and do what your partner wants to do instead.

If you and your partner are sure that you want to plan a future together, talk about your goals, plans, and wishes and come up with a game plan that works for both of you. Just make sure to not give up on all your personal goals for the sake of the relationship.

This is something that we have not done – in the sense that our goals were largely aligned in the first place. We also had time before we met to do/accomplish some/most of the things we wanted in our careers/life so that was good.

Read Next: Things To Discuss Before Moving In Together

Spend Time With Your Friends

Group of friends raising glasses and laughing how to not lose yourself in relationship
It’s always great to hang with your friends!

Especially when you are in a new relationship, it is important that you keep spending time with your friends – on your own. Of course, it is great to introduce your boyfriend/girlfriend to your friends and spend time all together.

However, it is also very important to keep the bond with just your friends alive. When you spend time with your friends and your partner, your interactions with your friends might not be as deep/intimate as they might be otherwise.

For example, you might not talk about certain topics as to not exclude your significant other. And while that’s fine, it is just as important that you get these moments alone with your friends where you can talk about these exact things.

It took a while for us, but we think we have found a pretty good balance between meeting friends together and meeting them separately. Admittedly, our situation is a bit unique in the sense that we currently live far away from the majority of our friends. However, we have found that Skype calls can also be a great way to have some quality time with our friends.

Communicate Openly With Your Partner

Man and woman sitting in park looking at each other and smiling how to not lose yourself in a relationship
This is good communication!

We think that it’s very important to communicate openly and “at an equal level” in a relationship. This means that you can both feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and ideas with the other person, basically all of the time.

It’s also okay to differ on things. For example, you shouldn’t always just agree with your partner’s plans because you think that’s what you do in a relationship. Instead, think about how you feel about it personally and whether you would do the same if your partner didn’t exist.

We believe communicating what you think openly and equally is pretty important to make sure you do not lose yourself in a relationship.

Read Next: Dating Expectation vs. Reality – How They Differ

Speak Up For Yourself

Man and woman laying in bed facing each other and talking while holding newspaper and mug
Remember to speak up for you – but keep their needs in mind, too.

Related to the last point, make sure to speak up for yourself if you don’t agree with something. This should be done early on in a relationship since it can be more difficult to do later on down the line.

We’re not saying that you should complain and make a big fuss about minor things. However, if there is something that you don’t agree with, say so.

The same goes for when your partner is speaking for the both of you to other people and you haven’t actually talked about it beforehand. If you don’t actually agree with what he or she is saying, don’t keep quiet in front of other people in fear of making a scene. You can explain calmly that you actually don’t share this point of view/opinion etc.

Read Next: Things To Be Aware Of When Dating An Introvert

Challenge Yourself (Don’t Become Too Dependent)

Woman with red jacket and backpack facing a rocky hill
Challenges can be physical, mental, or otherwise.

The last point is about pushing yourself. We all have things that we really hate doing so it can be easy to ask your partner to do these things for you. For example, Lisa really dislikes speaking on the phone so she would often ask Bruce to make calls in the beginning of our relationship.

However, we realized that this is not good and that it’s important to keep challenging ourselves so we can grow as individuals. In turn, personal growth is good for our relationship.

We would recommend that you try the same. Simply avoid giving all the things that you dislike and/or are afraid to do to your partner. Sometimes, it can be great to have someone to support you, but you shouldn’t just hand everything over.

This can make you dependent on your partner in the long term if you do this with multiple different things… and this would not be good.

Read Next: How To Be Successful In Life

And there you have it – a few things that we think about when we want to make sure we don’t lose ourselves in our relationship! Of course, this isn’t everything – and there are certainly other things that might be more important to you. Our main advice is just to try to stay true to yourself. Be you so you can be that for your person, too. That’s what matters, always!

As always, Stay Curious,


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How to not lose yourself in a relationship